As a teacher, one of the most essential (and rewarding) parts of my job is connecting with students. I’m not great at certain aspects of education, but I like to think I’m pretty good at building bonds with my students: getting to know their personalities, making them feel heard, and generally meeting them where they are.
However, there are always certain students I don’t seem to connect with. Sometimes from day one, we have a barrier between us, or some sort of tension that negatively impacts our interactions day in and day out. One bad relationship in a roomful of students is uncomfortable enough, but often enough the mood slowly permeates the class, and you can find yourself halfway through the school year with really pessimistic expectations and reactions to whole groups of kids.
I sensed some tension building in one class of mine this year already, and I knew I had to get ahead of it. So at the start of the next class, I said to them, “I felt like last class ended on a sour note. I hate that feeling. The last thing I want is for you kids to have a bad impression of me or of this class. If you dread being here, that sucks. I don’t want that. I want all of you to feel–to know–that we’re on the same team. ‘Cause if this class ever becomes ‘you vs. me’, we all lose. That would make this year feel really long, in a bad way. Does that make sense?”
And just like that, the mood changed. Kids exchanged looks, nodding to me and each other. We had all felt the bad vibes, and the fact that I acknowledged that helped dispel them. The rest of the class went very smoothly, and I could tell we were on a much better track together.
Things aren’t usually that extreme, though. Often enough, two people just don’t “click.” Maybe it’s a clash of personalities, maybe it’s assumptions based on how they look or talk or act, maybe it’s a lingering bad first impression–whatever it is, some people inevitably don’t get along. That happens in life, and usually we can just let it slide. As a teacher, you interact with your students all year, so this disconnect can be poisonous, but just for interpersonal reasons, but for educational ones. As educator Rita Pierson stated in her TED Talk, “Kids don’t learn from people they don’t like.”
So, how do you get kids to “like” you? No, that’s the wrong question–how do you connect with students, so they respect you, value your perspective, and feel like their efforts for you will matter?
Well, first of all, whatever you do, it has to be authentic. No approach will work if it is manipulative, coercive, or otherwise forced. “Your intent,” Jocko Willink observed, “has a smell.” Kids can pick up on the scent of an insincere effort to bond from a mile away–especially the kids that are hardest to connect with. So when you try these things, only make the effort if you mean it, and don’t give up even if it doesn’t seem to work–quitting is the first sign of insincerity. (Think about it: would you trust someone you already had some uncertainty about if they suddenly acted nice, then reverted to hostility as soon as you raised an eyebrow?)
Keys to Connection
Teachers love acronyms, so my way of remembering the “keys to connection” is C.H.I.L.L.
- Consistency. Consistency builds trust–kids feel safer when adults are predictable and upfront with their expectations. This means when we promise something good, we deliver. It also means when someone crosses a line, we follow through with the consequences.
- Honesty. Kids can sense when we don’t mean what we’re saying. We might think we’re being professional by keeping our true feelings to ourselves, but when we claim to know things we don’t know–or when we’re openly sarcastic–it erodes our credibility. This doesn’t mean you have to share your thoughts and feelings with your class, but it’s not a lie to say, “It’s not appropriate for me to discuss that.”
- Important. People gravitate toward people who make them feel important. Some of the most effective ways to connect with someone are to remember what’s important to them–their interests, their lives, their names.
- Listen. When kids feel heard, they tell you more. Students don’t always want answers…sometimes they just want someone–anyone–to let them share without being judged. If you can be that person, even just some of the time, you can build bonds that last a lifetime.
- Laugh. C’mon–is it really that serious? You’re dealing with children, remember–sometimes the only thing you can reasonably do is laugh. And if have fun with your students, again, they have fun being around you. What’s more bonding than that?
M. J. Lau 