Obviously, with it being Father’s Day, what it means to be a father has been on my mind today. I keep mentally circling back to two quotes that resonate a lot with me regarding this topic:
“Your kids don’t owe you anything. You chose to have them.”
Mike Maples, Jr.
That’s a hard pill to swallow, I have to admit. I know I frequently expect things from my children — respect, obedience, attention, love, gratitude. But can any of us legitimately argue with that quote? Whatever your reason for having children, they didn’t have a say in the matter. Start with that mindset and consider what is actually reasonable, fair, and ethical.
To put it another way: haven’t we all felt wronged at some point when our parents expected us to live a certain way, to meet their goals, to abide by their values? Do you demand that other people in your life obey you and live according to your beliefs? Does it ever make you feel closer to someone when they place conditions and requirements on you?
It’s a privilege to be a dad. I know my great disappointments as a father have been my actions, my words, my behavior, not anything my kids have said or done. Sure, I take it personally when they say hurtful things or behave in a way that I think reflects poorly on me. I can be self-centered like that. And I understand the belief that parents have a responsibility to “do what’s best” for our children. That’s a lot of pressure, I know.
So I totally get the impulse to take ownership of our children in that regard. I can even see the good intentions behind most paternal expectations — of course we care for our kids; of course we work hard to provide for our kids; of course we make sacrifices for our kids. This perspective doesn’t negate any of that. It simply recasts the “debt” — we do that work, we make those sacrifices, we care so much because we owe that to our kids. We’re creating balance by doing our fair share; expecting our kids to then pay us back — through words, through actions, through their attitude — creates further debt on our part.
This isn’t spineless New Age child worship — it’s a simple, logical fact. I’m NOT saying we should give our children everything they want. I’m not saying we should allow them free rein in their choices. I’m not even saying that we have to do what they like all the time… we just have to stop expecting our children to speak or act or be a certain way because “we brought them into this world.”
This leads me to the second quote:
In a very literal sense, we owe our children the world. We owe them a safe environment, opportunities to live freely, space to make their own choices and mistakes and victories. We don’t need to clear the road for them, but the roads ahead of them should lead somewhere.
Nothing is guaranteed to last–not you, not me, not the Earth. But your choices help shape the impact you make, what endures or what gets destroyed. You are responsible for your choices. The things you value deserve your care and attention. The relationships that are meaningful to you are an investment — nobody has to be your friend or your spouse. Nobody is shackled to us, nor should they be.
I’m grateful for my children’s existence. My efforts and affections are the natural price for that gift. Becoming a father isn’t like receiving an honorary position where we kick back and await the praise and service we are entitled to; being a dad is a mission, an active role we are charged with, one that we have to earn again and again.
I don’t earn my title every day, I promise you that. But today, at least, I want to get my head right, get my heart right, and really lean into being a dad, to hopefully give my kids what they need instead of expecting them to surrender what I want.
M. J. Lau 